There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
i think i scared a bird with my dick
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
Randomize
