I got everything I ever gave her back, every picture, and money for the dog. I didn't want it she brought it all back and gave it to me. clothes jackets, pictures, dried flowers, ear rings, necklace...
Sell it on ebay and let's go to the bar
and you said cock pushups were impossible
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
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