my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
Are my feet made of real feet?
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
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