your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
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