Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
What I dont get, is for a man with a penis his size, to choose to go back with another girl instead of one that he says is the best sex he's ever had. He cant afford to be picky.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
Randomize
