I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
Randomize
