ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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