Nipple clamps can be ambiguous
xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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