Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
i was laying in her brothers bed, in his old room. and i kept getting the chills. i didn't know if it was a draft or the ghosts of BJ's past.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
Randomize