Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
They should really start adding the average cost of day drinking to our cost analysis sheets. Does FAFSA cover this? No. It doesn't.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Randomize
