I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
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