My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
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