And my dad told him he was a great looking guy. and then added "no homo" after.
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
Id fuck him but only at his house and he had to stay im bed till i left. He only works upper body. It just creeps me out how tiny his legs are
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
i am craving dick and cupcakes
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
Randomize
