my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
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