Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
Randomize
