Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
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