i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
