Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
We've got 2 weeks of college left-I want to feel like Gary Busey by graduation.
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
I'm looking at some sugar baby profiles to get some insight on what we're up against.
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
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