the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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