She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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