i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
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