Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
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