I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Btw, I feel the need to make sure we have no misunderstanding about this. So here goes. I'll happily mess around with you again. However, I probably won't do it while you're dressed like a creepy clown. Or any clown.
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
We smell like vodka and hangover
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