He asked me if I "almost moaned"
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
