Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Randomize
