She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
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