that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
