not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Randomize
