Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
