Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
Randomize
