Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
Randomize
