i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
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