Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
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