I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
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