I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
