I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
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