sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
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