I'm gonna have a badass scar
"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Randomize
