I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
Randomize
