She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
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