is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
Randomize
