Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Randomize