I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
know what turns me on? long, stringy hair on a pasty looking girl with an overstuffed backpack and kneepads over her jeans in case she falls off her scooter
your less of a man for seeing that
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
Randomize
