We're like a lot better than the average bears
I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
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