You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
She walked into class late sat down for 5 min muttered 'oh i cant do this' and walked out. She looked like death.
We should party with her soon
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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