I am in a vortex of obligation.
I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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