Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize
