Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
Randomize
