I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
Randomize
