My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
You started having a threesome right in front of me.
lololol that's what happened?
Stephanie looked me right in the eye while she was going down on you. It made me really uncomfortable.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
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