I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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