I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
Randomize
