I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
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