he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
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