and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
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