I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
the room spins SO much faster in panama
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
