Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
Randomize
