Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
Randomize
