The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
this must be what syphilis tastes like
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Randomize
